Boundaries

Boundaries

“…and I got my nickname when I was around 3, maybe 2 or 3, my sister couldn’t say my name quite right, so she called me….” Street-entrenched from years of sleeping rough, but newly Sheltered, ‘Rick’ confides parts of his past. “and I was in rehab, and we were all best friends and brothers, and it was great, we all felt good, and then…”

In our brief conversation, Rick was engagingly funny, quick with one liners and jokes. He spoke frankly of the struggle to stay sober and face issues from his past. He got visibly angry with another resident for a rude look and “dropping the F bomb.” He defended his personal space vigorously, then apologized to me, in tears, for being inappropriate in my presence. “I’m finally off the street, but the street is still in me…” he commented. His personal boundaries, sharply intact, are different from mine, and based on survival. “I’m learning…” he says.


Another conversation begins with a different visitor a bit later, “…and understanding boundaries is so important when you work at Outreach, making sure that people don’t invade your space too much. And I have to make sure my boundaries are in place and not judge people or make rules for them based on my personal values. Constantly balancing empathy and wanting to help (which is why I love this job), with allowing people to experience some of the consequences of their actions – as long as they’re safe, of course! – it’s difficult sometimes…” He relates the story of an elderly Mom who, living in poverty herself, gives of her limited means to a profoundly mentally ill son who lives on the streets. A loving gesture, but a gesture that gives her son permission to not seek the medical help he really needs. “I sometimes help her look for her son because it eases her mind to see him and give him some money, but at the same time I’m trying to encourage her to look after herself…”


Personal boundaries are set based on values, comforting familiarity, and the needs of personal safety. If boundaries have been set in some relationships based on false information, or based on a condition that has changed, it may take another significant relationship to help make the boundaries-shift. That is what the Outreach Teams do so well with those who have been homeless: allow them to comfortably explore what they believe about their own ability, and challenge them to embrace a newly imagined future.